You know how people say we put up a front and what not? That we have the ability to let those who don’t know us quite as well (or possibly, even people who do know us well) see what we want them to see? Is it wrong that I feel like I’m that way over 99% of the time? I second guess myself and the person that I am, wondering if I’m as “good” and “real” as people paint me out to be.
I’ve consistently felt like I’m just not a good person; I’ve felt like I say one thing, but do another. I feel like a hypocrite a lot of the time. I “preach” one thing, but never seem to carry it out perfectly - it’s an internal struggle. I want to believe I’m a good person a lot of the time, but something, or everything, just keeps holding me back.
It’s just hard to believe that you’re someone God made in his image and that you CAN do good when you’ve made so many mistakes and harmed so many people intentionally. I know we have to forgive ourselves and move on from certain situations, and sometimes I do believe I have. But, times like these, I feel like a fraud. I feel like a pretentious person, or one who’s just absolutely fake.
I realized that I have a tendency to tell people outright that I can be a very fake person a lot of the time. But, I can’t help but wonder if that’s me being real, or if that’s just my way of getting away with being fake?
Eh. 4.30 am now.